The Life and Times of Sidney Zacharius Penpraze – The Calendar Affair

A Cornish Dialect series by Tony Mansell

It was a still, cold night, the sort when the smoke rises gently from the chimneys like fingers pointing to the sky. There were few customers in the pub, probably because the single log on the fire gave off more smoke than heat. Of course, our two heroes were in their place, Sid on his usual stool, pint in hand, and Jan propped up against the bar.

The conversation flowed as freely as the beer but when the topic turned to the youngsters of the village an unfamiliar moral attitude seemed to rise to the surface.

“Well I tellee now Jan, tid’n right. I tell ee what, I was comin up ‘ere last night and they was in Trezise’s field, givn n bell tink. And what the ell do they look like, their bleddy hair was so long you couldn’t tell which one was the maid.”

“I bet ee ad a damn good look though Sid, just to make sure.”

“Ess, well tid’n funny, Jan. I da blame their parents, they got no bleddy control over em, that’s the trouble these days.”

“Funny thing, Sid Penpraze, I da mind when you used ta say that bout you. Even the vicar used to say what a little eller you was. Anyways, I da reckon you’re only jealous.”

“No, tid’n that Jan. See, there’s just too much of n these days. Tis everywhere you look. Now see there, on the wall, I’m goin ave a word with Michael bout that.”

“Now commus Sid, don’t you start your nonsense agin.”

“You ush up … ere Michael, I da think that your calendar’s bleddy disgustin. Great girl there with er main features angin out, well tis nuff ta put a man off his beer.”

“You don’t have to look, not if you don’t want to. Hell, you’re a stirrin bugger, Sid Penpraze, tis November month and you bin lookin at n since January. Every month the page da go over and you da spend the evening tellin me ow you could do er a bit of good.”

“Here Mr Bugger, who asked you to put your oar in. I was talkin to Michael ere, so you keep your nose out of it. Now Michael, I’d be hobliged if you’d take n down. I tellee wot, I’ll get rid of n for ee if you like.”

“Get rid of n. All you want to do is to ang n over yer bed so you can look at er when you wake up. Havin trouble gettin a bit of the real thing are ee?”

“Now, was I talkin to you Jan Tregaskes. You got a mouth on ee like a bleddy shaft. Anyways, you da know that I can call on any number of ouses round ere and be sure of a favour or two. There’s Mike’s misses and your Maggie for a start.”

“You’re going the right way to get banned again Sid Penprase and if it wasn’t for all the beer you drink you’d be out on your ear.”

“That’s sure nuff, Michael, sure nuff, Sid do get through some beer – be even better if ee ever paid for some ov it.”

“Ess, well I da stand my corner Jan Tregaskes which is more than I can say for you, lookin at me with me glass nearly empty. Anyways, Mike’s doin alright cos I do slip is misses a fiver every so often – for services rendered so to speak.”

“Right, Sid Penpraze, that’s you out and I don’t want to see you again until tomorrow night.”

“Morrow night. Well tid’n an hofficial ban then Michael, just a warnin like. Well tis a bleddy good job I’ve ad nuff otherwise I’d take my trade somewhere else. Now if ee don’t mind I’ll just finish me drink fore I go.”

“Now what did ee want to go an do that for Sid, I was just goin buy ee one.”

“Funny thing Jan, you was jus goin buy me one. I’ve heard n all now. You’re bleddy tighter than a fish’s ass you are, an that’s watertight.”

“Well what are we goin do now?”

“Well I’ll tell ee what we’re goin do. Ave ee still got that banger left over from the fireworks do cos I think we’ll take n down to Fanny’s and let n off outside er window. Twill be the biggest surprise she’s ad for yers.”

“You’d da give poor old Fanny some rough time, Sid. Ow don’t ee leave er lone? Tis no wonder she da ate ee so much.”

“What ee mean, ate me? She don’t ate me. I tellee what boy you da cramp me style. She’s one of they there maids that da act like that when there’s someone else around. She’s some different when I’m on me own. If I was to go down there now, without you in tow, I’d be in there like a shot. If I wanted to that is.”

“What do ee mean, if you wanted to? Since when ave you not wanted to?”

“You da make me out to be some sort of sex maniac, Jan Tregaskes. Well tid’n like that, I can be real romantic when I want to be – you ask your Maggie.”

“You’re askin for a bleddy thick ear you are and if we weren’t mates, I’d cuff ee one.”

“Ess, ess, you probably would. Ere Jan, do ee think if I was to hapologise to Mike, ee might let us ave nother pint. I suddenly got a bleddy thirst on. I think tis all this ere talk bout sex that ave done it.”

“Well…tis worth a try Pard, I could do with another one and Mike idn exactly busy.”

“Right, I’ll give n a try.”

“Hexcuse me Michael – me Ansum, hi’m very sorry for the haspersions and hinsinuahations that I may have hinadvertantly cast your way. Do ee think that my friend ere and I could have another pint of your fine beer.”

“No! Bugger off.”

“Now that’s no way to talk to one of your best customers. I mean, what if we were to offer to pay for n?”

“What all you owe?”

“Well no, I was thinkin more of just payin for the two pints, that way we won’t owe you any more than we do now.”

“Well…all right then but I’ve had enough of your nonsense tonight so watch it.”

“Ess, ess, Michael. I’ll behave…tis good beer tonight Michael.”

“All right, all right, you don’t have to creep, you’ve got your drink.”

“Mind you, Michael, it do appear as though the tide’s out agin.”

“If you want it topped up then say so and less of your old nonsense.”

“Tis much appreciated Michael, you’ve got a very generous nature – just like your misses.”

“I’m not sure how that was meant but I’ll take it as a compliment.”

“Ess, Ess. That’s just what she da say. Ere you two, ave ee eard that they’ve formed this ere photographic club in the village? I’ve been off an bought meself this little camera and I’m goin round lookin for volunteers.”

“Volunterers Sid? What do ee want volunteers for?”

“Well see, Jan, I’m doin me own calendar this yer and I’m lookin for 12 maids with generous features who don’t mind showin em off.”

“Where the ell are ee goin find anybody like that round ere?”

“I tell ee what Jan, they’re bleddy queuin up. I’ve started takin pictures already.”

“Sure nuff?”

“Ess, no trouble.”

“I tell ee what Sid, if tis good enough praps Mike’ll put n up in the bar.”

“I don’t think so Jan, see I’ve already got his misses for January.”