A Cornish Dialect series by Tony Mansell
The tea-treat is the biggest event on the village calendar, a grand affair when everyone gathers for a day of relaxation and fun.
It’s always held in the same field, Tea-Treat Field. The grass is cut, bunting hung up and tables erected – for the stalls and the food.
It starts with a procession led by the standard bearers: then comes the brass band, the children and the adults. The route is endless and for most of it there are few houses and the musicians play to the hedgerows with the occasional cow raising its head to check which band has been booked. Eventually, the procession returns to the field for the official opening.
The afternoon is filled with games and sports while the band provides the music although for much of the time the audience consists of only a few old-timers smoking their pipes and putting the world to rights but the occasional burst of applause makes it all seem worthwhile.
Every so often the players take a break and there is a chance to have a go at throwing the horseshoe or to buy some fruit from one of the stalls. Perhaps the highlight of the afternoon are the huge tea-treat buns, for whatever else people remember about the event it is those buns that come to mind.
Anyway, to return to the story of this particular year, 1936 I think it was, you’ll recall that I mentioned earlier that the event always takes place in the same field but nothing is truly for ever and in a move which was destined to split the village, the decision was made to move to a new venue – nearer to the chapel.
“Beer’s goin down well Pard, goin ave nuther are ee?”
“’Ess Sid, I don’t mind if I do.”
“Well then make aste and get n in, cos tis your bleddy round.”
“You sure bout that? I thought I got the last one.”
“Now look ere Jan, I stinckly remember sayin ow the next one was on you.”
“You da do this every bleddy time Sid Penpraze and I do fall for n … When you’re ready there Michael, we’ll have two pints of Boys. Ere Sid, I da reckon tay-trate’s goin be good this year, specially with this ansum weather. Goin are ee?”
“Ess well I tell ee now, it can piddle down as far as I’m concerned.”
“What the ell’s the matter, got the bleddy rats have ee? I spose your taisy cos you couldn’t get your way bout the field.”
“Now look ere Jan Tregaskes, if your goin ave a go at me bout the bleddy tay-trate then I’m off.”
“Now don’t you get your bleddy knickers in a twist. I tell you what, us’ll finish this drink an walk down the hill with ee. Commes on… See ee later Michael.”
“Now you look ere Jan, I da know what you’re thinkin. You reckon I’m taisy bout the tay-treat field, well I aren’t.”
“You are sure nough Sid, tis as plain as a bleddy pikestaff.”
“Well alright I am taisy bout it but tidn just that. See, that Fanny Trevethan’s da get my goat. I’m fed up with er bleddy fancy ways. See how she do run they there meetings with her, ‘Can I take the minutes as read?’ an ‘do I have a seconder for that?’ There idn one of they there buggers who’d speak up gainst her.”
“Cept you Sid.”
“Ess, cept me, and I don’t count.”
“Geddon Sid, if you ask me, you’re makin a dung pile out of a cowpat.”
“No such thing Jan. Bleddy tay-trate’s been in bottom field since it started.”
“Now you don’t know that.”
“Yea, well Jebez Ennor told me and ee ought know.”
“But twas a cmmittee decision Sid, you can’t argue with that.”
“I bleddy well can if I want to. Anyways, seems to me that what Fanny Trevethan wants, Fanny Trevethan gets. That lot would kiss her ass if she told em to. Well, they got a bleddy surprise comin, you wait and see Boy.”
“Aw bleddy ell Sid, what ave ee been and done now?”
“Never you mind what I’ve done, I told ee to wait and see.”
“I spose your goin stir n up again. You’d put two bleddy stones ta fight, you would.”
“Well I did’n involve you cause I da know how you been playin up ta Fanny Trevethan lately, just like the rest of em. I shouldn’t be surprised if you aren’t there yourself by now. I hear Fred and Charlie are reglars and the way your backin her up I reckon you got your feet under the table with them. It must be brave and crowded there by now.”
“You old bugger. You know there’s nothin goin on tween me and er so don’t you start spreadin no rumours. My Maggie wouldn’t stand for nothin like that, not now were hengaged to be married.”
“Hengaged is it? Well if I was Maggie I’d kick you right into touch. You been hengaged ten years an courtin for ten afore that. Mind you, I don’t spose the maid’s got much choice, not with a face an eyes like hers.”
“You got some bleddy cruel streak Sid Penpraze. Maggie’s some ansum maid and tis nothin t’do with you when we da get wed. Now are ee goin tell me what you been doin of?”
“Well I spose I mays well, twont do no arm now. See, last night, when twas dark, I took me old pony an wagon up to the field where everythin was set up for the tay-trate. An I took n all to pieces, put n on me wagon an brought n back down the hill to the proper field. Tis all herected an ready, bandstand an all. So Fanny Trevethan can stick n where she da like.”
“Aw, bleddy ell, Sid, there’ll be ell to pay.”
“Well I bleddy well ope so.”
“Well Pard, don’t ee look now but I do believe that’s Fanny Trevethan comin down the ill goin ell for leather and puffed up like a bladder of lard. The way er balcony is bouncin I think she’s on a mission. You’re for n now.”
“See now, I don’t care bout er, she got more mouth than teeth.”
“I assume you know why I’m here Sidney Penpraze?”
“Well tis a leap year so I spect you want to propose to me.”
“What a disgusting idea, I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man in the village. I’m here about the tea-treat. What have you done with the stands and sideshows?”
“Well, Fanny…”
“Miss Trevethan to you.”Trevethan to you.
“Well Miss Trevethan, I was just sayin to my good friend Jan, I do blieve there’s been some mischief makin goin on. But then I checked and found that everythin was all fitty for the hoff. I was some pleased to see you’d changed your mind bout the field and I want ee to know that if the cmmittee don’t like it, then us’ll back ee all the way.”
“You won’t get away with this Sidney Penpraze, I’ll see to that.”
“Well now Fanny, sorry, Miss Trevethan, with it startin in alf-hour I think your goin be ard pushed to get everythin back up the ill an in place in time for the honorble Penelope Forsyth-Williams to cut the ribbon or whatever she da do. Unless, of course, you’d like to hemploy some hextra labour what’s got their own oss n wagon. We da come brave an cheap, especially when there’s a maid in a stank.”
“If you think that I’m going to pay you to put right your own mischief then you’re very much mistaken.”
“Well, there tis Fanny. Bit of a problem init? Don’t ee say I didn’t offer to give ee a and though.”
“But what about the tea-treat … and the children?”
“Bleddy problem, sure nuff.”
“Well what am I going to do? Oh … it looks like you’ve got me over a barrel Sidney Penpraze.”
“Now, one thing at a time Fanny, less sort out the tae-trate first.”
“Really, Sidney Penpraze. You’re the most disgusting man I know. But I don’t seem to have any choice, how much do you want?”
“Well Fanny, if you arn’t in the mood to let me ave a bit on account then I reckon that me an Janner ere could get n done for a pound note each, an just bout in time for the orrible Penelope to do er stuff.”
“Two pounds … that’s daylight robbery … but I suppose I have a choice. All right, here’s your money, now hurry up. I’ll meet you in the field to show you where to put everything.”
“Oh, I da know where it do all go Fanny. Anyways, we gotta get on now – see ee drekkly.”
“You crafty old bugger Sid, I spose your principles don’t matter when there’s money on the table.”
“Bleddy right Jan, anyways, you got a quid off er, so what are ee fussin bout.”
“I tell ee what though Sid, I reckon you must ave worked bleddy ard las night; I mean, we were drinkin in the pub till gone leven. You must ave left me an gone straight out n moved all that stuff.”
“Not quite Jan, twas later than that. See, I was with Fanny Trevethan til three o’clock.”
