A Cornish Dialect series by Tony Mansell
“Ere Sid, ave ee eard bout Mary Prout, they d’say she’s caught religion. Born again, that’s what I eard.”
“Mary, I don’t believe n. Not with the way she’ve put erself bout in the past. Hell, she’s had everythin on offer and gone back for seconds.”
“Bleddy right Sid, some forthy she was, no better than she oughta be. But there tis. I did’n bleeve n at first but I saw er at chapel last Sunday and she was holdin forth like Billy Bray. There was fire and damnation comin at us from every direction. I thought to meself, if she don’t calm down she’s goin wet er knickers.”
“Mind you Jan, they do say that it can do that. Take that old preacher chap down the road, they reckon ee da like a bit of slap and tickle and that ee never had ‘is hands too far away from the promised land. Praps it do go with the job. Anyways, tis alright fer they that like that sort of thing, but tidn fer me.”
“What the ell do ee mean, tidn for me? I reckon my rabbit could learn a thing or two from you.”
“Ess, Ess but Mary, that da take some blievin.”
“Anyways, ushh yer yap, I da see Mary comin’ out the shop and er mouth is screwed up like a duck’s fert.”
“Well we know what you were up to last Sunday night Sidney Penpraze.”
“Now Mary, ow do ee know that?”
“Your pony and shay was tied up outside the public house from 7.00 o’clock until past midnight so there’s not much doubting that you were in there drinking again.”
“Now Mary, what was you doin out at midnight, aven trouble sleepin was ee?”
“I was on my way home from a meeting: not that it’s any concern of yours.”
“Twadn one of they there parties I’ve been hearin bout was it? You know, they where you da get to know each other better.”
“You are disgusting Sidney Penpaze. Anyway, you were in the pub far too late and your pony and shay outside proves it.”
“Now that don’t mean a thing Mary. Jus cos ee was tied up there it don’t mean I was inside drinkin. I could have been workin nearby or visitin’ the sick for all you da know.”
“Well you weren’t were you? I know what you get up to and if your pony was tied up outside the pub then you were inside consuming alcohol. Shame on you Sidney Penpraze, what would the Lord say?”
“I reckon ee’d say ‘Get one in for me’. Now I don’t know too much bout the bible but didn’t ee once turn water into wine.”
“Moderation, Sidney Penpraze. Everything in moderation. Just you remember, your sins will find you out.”
“Ell Sid, she ‘ad ee there. I spose your pony and trap parked there all that time was a bit of a giveaway. How don ee park n down the road next time then she won’t know where you are.”
“That’s zactly what I’m goin do Jan. I’m really goin give em all something to talk bout morra. See, tonight I’m goin park n outside Mary’s place.”
