The Life and Times of Sidney Zacharius Penpraze – The Early Years

A Cornish Dialect series by Tony Mansell

At the age of five, Sidney Penpraze attended the local village school, the same place of learning where his father had begun his education, when it first opened its doors. All the village children attended there and whereas most walked, Sidney was driven there by his father in his pony and shay.

His parents were intent on providing their only offspring with a good start in life and at the age of eleven he moved from the local board school to private education.

He was assessed as being middle of the road: not cut out for academia but certainly not dim. At first, he was reasonably well behaved but as his confidence grew, so did his resistance to discipline. Increasingly, he became a ‘could do better’ student.

As the exasperation and tolerance levels of his teachers rose, so did Sidney’s indifference to their pleas and it was no great surprise when he rebelled against the system that was forever trying to tame him. One teacher in particular was the butt of his pranks and Mr James’ resignation was laid fairly and squarely at his feet.

An indiscretion with a young female teacher from the nearby girl’s school was the final straw and Sidney’s parents received the inevitable request to withdraw him from the school. Needless to say, Sidney was brimming with pride at his success with the opposite sex and the event marked the beginning of a reputation which would follow him through life.

He was not too perturbed at having to leave the oppressive atmosphere of academia but the realisation that he still had a few months of schooling to complete was a blow. He would have to complete his studies back at the school where he began his education.

Despite the initial disappointment, a purpose was to return to his life however, and in the cruellest twist of fate, Phillip James, the master whose life he had plagued, had gained alternative employment at the very school that was entrusted with completing Sidney’s education. He was to be his form master.

Sidney’s first day was spent in planning his strategy and, despite the pleas by those in authority, he was adopted as a role model by his peers.

In an attempt to influence his behaviour he was placed next to a quiet lad and within one week the experiment had had a remarkable effect – Sidney had managed to mould Jan Tregaskes to his way of thinking. Jan was to become his life-long friend and the decision to place them side by side was to change village life for ever.

We now join Sidney on the first day of the last few months of his academic life.

“Name?

“Now Cummes on Mr James, you da know that.”

“Name?”

“Well, tis Sidney Zacharius Penpraze.”

“Sidney Penpraze will suffice and it’s ‘Sir’ to you. How old are you boy?”

“I be thirteen last birthday.”

“That is, I was thirteen last birthday … Sir.”

“Well bugger me, you’m the same age as me.”

“That will be 100 lines – 50 for swearing and 50 for insolence.”

“Bleddy ell, you can’t say a word round ere can ee?”

“The boy to your right is Jan Tregaskes. Any questions?”

“No, no, that be quite clear thank ee very much.”

“Sir.”

“Ess, ess, alright, I was just coming to that.”

“Right, you can all start on today’s task.”

“Here Jan, what are ee doin after school, fancy a bit of lampin do ee?”

“Stop talking Penpraze and get on with your work.”

“Yes Sir, right Sir … Ere Sir, do ee think I can go out back shaft a minute, I’m fit to burstin ere.”

“Yes, yes Boy, but hurry up.”

Some time passed before our hero returned and he ambled his way to his desk and slumped back onto his chair.

“It’s nice to see you back Penpraze, you’ve been gone a long time.”

“Ess, well see while I was there, I thought I may as well …”

“Yes, thank you boy, that will be enough. And you girls, stop giggling.”

The next few months proved to be problematic for the school and stressful for Phillip James who began to long for the end of the term and a happy release from his nemesis. Sidney had no interest whatsoever in the lessons, nor any intention of conforming to school rules.

His out-of-school activities followed a similar pattern and this very religious and morally straight-laced community was completely unprepared for this wayward boy. Very soon, the complaints began to arrive at the feet of both his father and his headmaster. Unfortunately, the erstwhile model pupil, Jan Tregaskes, had been drawn into his net.

The months passed and finally, to Mr James’ relief, Sidney’s academic career had run its course. He left school with no qualifications and no idea where his talents would lead him.

Sidney, now known as Sid to most, was fourteen, street-wise and on a more than nodding acquaintance with most of the local girls. He was not sure why he was so successful in that particular field but felt that he must be doing something right and that the practical application was evidently more important than understanding the theory

He had acquired a distinct dislike of manual work. Not that he had tried it but he had made up his mind that his future vocation would not lie in that direction. Unfortunately, he was not what could be called, academic and with his hatred of hard work and his inability to accomplish even rudimentary arithmetic, apart from when playing darts, his career choice was decidedly narrow. Coming from a good family, there was the possibility of the army or the church but neither really appealed to him. After all, he couldn’t stand the sight of blood and his teenage years were so full of misdemeanours that the Methodists and the Church of England had effectively excommunicated him. That left the Catholics but he was quite sure that his Cornish hero, Bishop Trelawny, would not approve of it.

With most of his career options ruled out, Sid Penpraze set out on life’s journey to be buffeted and blown by whatever tool of nature the winds considered him best suited.

“You got n some easy Sid. I mean, I bin workin now for six months and you aven done a tap. Ow the ell do ee get away with n?”

“Plannin Boy, thas what I been doin. Tis no good to rush these things. See, I da reckon on findin somethin happroprate to my talents.”

“Bleddy ell Sid, that could take some time what with your talents bein limited to beer, darts and they girls of a female persuasion. Ow do ee manage bout money.”

“I da do awright for money unless of course, you were offerin to make a small contribution.”

“No, I bleddy arnt, I da need all I can get.”

“Ess, well they do say that a reglar girlfren is a expensive pastime.”

“Well at least I ony got one an I’m some glad I met er for you did.”

“Ess Jan.”

“What ee mean by that? I da know youm ony tryin wind me up. She told me so t’other day.”

“Ess Jan.”

“Anyways, you just worry bout your hoccupation and I’ll worry bout mine.”

Months passed and despite the urging of his parents, Sid resisted the lure of the workplace. Despite this, his father found him a job in the local grist mill ‘until something better comes along’.

“Well, I aren’t bleddy doin it and you can tell your Mr Bugger down there he can find somebody else.”

His father had been prepared for the resistance and it took the withdrawal of his beer money to convince him to give it a try.

“Well, I spose you gotta do somethin Sid: tis better than what I’m doin. They bleddy pigs take some lookin after and half the time I’m stankin round in six inches of pig shite.”

“Ess, well that’s as may be but I’m cut out for better things. I telle Jan, I aren’t goin stick n for long. Tis bad nuff workin in all that there dust but then I gotta clean out the bleddy ditch so’s the old waterwheel will keep turnin.”

Our hero lived up to his word and did ‘give it a try’ – for two days. By then he reckoned he’d learnt all there was to learn about crushing grain – enough to know it wasn’t for him. He’d done some thinking and had made up his mind that he was going to be in charge of his own destiny. Not for him the discipline of being at the beck and call of a capitalist task-master. Not that he was against capitalism of course, only when it related to others.

He was going to be his own boss, self-employment was the answer, He decided that his future lay in becoming an up-market, odd-job specialist. This was to be a personal service and to avoid becoming swamped with work he introduced a unique strategy with business cards that not only extolled his virtues but specifically limited the range of work undertaken.

And so, with everything in place, he ventured forward into the world of commerce, ensuring that his preferred clients were of the female variety and mostly those who had either been unfortunate enough to lose their husbands or who wished they could.

When the First World War came along, Sid was passionate in his support of the boys who had volunteered to take up arms for King and Country but he was not keen to join them. After all, his work was essential and he managed to have it classified as a ‘Reserved Occupation’. After all, how much better it was that he should use his God-given talent to comfort the womenfolk of the area than be just one more of the thousands confronting the might of the Prussian forces.

His strategy proved sound and he found himself one of only a few males in a community that consisted mostly of young and old men and, of course, plenty of women of all ages, shapes and inclinations.

Now, if I’ve made our hero sound like a work-shy, womaniser then I must apologise because he was more than that. Sid liked his ale and more important than anything else, was the life he’d carved out for himself at the bar of the village pub. Once in position on his favourite stool, he would eloquently pronounce on every aspect of life and with each successive pint, his stories grew more bizarre. That he was the village character, or even its eccentric, was not in doubt but the fact that he had achieved this position at such a young age was impressive.

“See now, Jan. I’m one of they wot they do call philanthropiss, I da like elpin folk, speshly they what can’t manage what with their menfolk off to war.”

“Right Sid, I haven’t got a bleddy clue what yer on bout but I da know wot your after.”

“Well, see now Jan, tis better that I perform the service with a helement of detached hindifference, than any old Tom, Dick or Harry with whom the ladies might be apt to form a romantic hattachment. If they men at the front could be persuaded of that then they would soon come round to my way of thinkin.”

“Ess, well I don’t want to be there when you try and convince em.”

“And … of course, any work for these ere ladies will be hundertaken at eavily discounted rates, thus reducing the financial burden on already stretched budgets.”

It has to be said that Sid considered himself a true altruist but if he could make a bob or two on the side then that would help him maintain the level of service to which his clients had become accustomed.

When the war ended, he was there to welcome the troops home and to help organise the celebrations.

“Hell Sid, I wuden like to be in your shoes with all they there boys cumin ome and findin out what you been up to.”

“Geddon with ee Pard, I caint see any of they girls sayin anythin bout my war service, specially as they were so grateful for my support durin those dreadful times. Anyways, most of em are still keen on showin their ppreciation.”

To say that Sid’s parents were a little disappointed in their only offspring was an understatement. They tolerated his behaviour for a while but eventually gave up the struggle and moved to Truro leaving him to remain in the village. The disappearance of his parents had a profound impact on this young man but a new life was stretching out before him and he could see fresh adventures all along the journey.