The Life and Times of Sidney Zacharius Penpraze – The Reluctant Christmas Host

A Cornish Dialect series by Tony Mansell

“Whashe like Sid, comin in for a pint are ee?”

“No, bugger n I arn’t goin near the place.”

“What the ell’s matter with ee, signed the pledge av ee?”

“I aven signed no pledge but I aren’t goin in there to line is pockets – bugger n.”

“You aven fell out again ave ee?”

“Now look Jan, if I say I aren’t goin in, that should be the end of it. I don’t need no hinquisition. B’sides, is beer is flat, he’s too dear and all ee can offer is cold charity.”

“You ave felled out aven ee.”

“Alright, if you must know I bin banned … an twas all over nuthin.”

“Aw ell Sid, what ee bin up to now?”

“Well twadn my fault. I was enjoyin me pint when all of a sudden I see’d that Michael wadn there – twas jus Jeannie and me. Well you do know ow partial I am to er so I started to give er a bit of chat – you know, all hinnocent like I do do. Well, she didn’t need no hencourgement and she came out from behind the bar and plonked erself down on the stool next to me. Well see er leg was rubbin gainst mine, I was gettin a bit intrested and they were sticking out like organ pedals.”

“You mean organ stops.”

“Giddon, they was bigger n that. She got a fine pair Pard and I thought, they’ll do for me! Anyways, next thing I knowd my and was where it should’n be and then Michael walked back in. I tell ee boy, ee wodn very pleased.”

“I bet ee wodn you old bugger.”

“Tis alright for you to say that but I reckon any red-blooded man would’ve done the same. Matter of fact, I didn’t know I was doin it – twas divine hintervention if you ask me. There was me with me pint in me and and all of a sudden I was oldin somethin’ else. And ee banned me – bleddy unreasonable if you ask me.”

“Well tis is misses. Anyway that’s a bugger Sid, we da always go there Christmas day.”

“Well no, see Jan, I don’t think ee took n that serious. When boy Bill was caught doin same thing ee was only out for a few days. I think Mike do know wot she’s like and it do give him a bit of a rest – with him bein so busy. She’s a terrible demandin woman – or so I do hear. They do say that she’s one of they there kleptomaniacs.”

“So what you’re sayin is, ee should be grateful.”

“Well no, I would’n go s’far as that but ee wadn shoutin very loud – not like ee would if ee caught me with me and in the till. Besides Jan, twas worth it, she got a fine pair that Jeannie.”

“Tis time you settled down Sid, like me and my Maggie: we could’n be appier and I get a cuddle whenever I want n.”

“Well I would’n want cuddle er in a month of Sundays.”

“You’re a cruel bugger Sid Penpraze but I knowd you only say these things cus your jealous.”

“Jealous is it? Well as far as I’m concerned you’m welcome to er. The sooner you’re married the sooner she’ll leave me lone.”

“What the ell do ee mean? You aven been there.”

“Thas fer me to know and you to wonder bout Jan Tregaskes. I da keep a wise counsel. Never kiss an tell, that’s what I da say.”

“If I thought you’d been with my Maggie I would’n buy you another pint this side of Christmas but I knowd you’m only windin me up.”

“Ess, well I got cheer meself up somehow. I spose you’m goin ave Christmas dinner with your Maggie. See, I aven bin hinvited anywhere yet.”

“Well, I aren’t surprised – you’re too bleddy hargumentative.”

“Hargumentative be buggered. I wouldn’t come to your place if you was to go down on bended knee.”

“Well I aren’t goin to so you can stop intin. You’d only spend the day teasin my Maggie – either that or puttin your ands where they should’n be.”

“You do talk as though I’m always lustin after er. Tidn true – well only on Tuesdays when you go snooker. Anyways, I don’t need no hinvitation from you cause she’ve already asked me, so there.”

“Well all right. I was goin ta ask ee but jus you mind you behave yourself. I don’t want my Maggie upset and the only surprise she’s goin get will be out of a cracker. Now, if you can’t go in ere ow bout a pint over St Anns and then I can tell Michael you’m drinkin somewhere else. Ee might see the error of his ways and un-ban ee. Ee can’t afford lose your business for long.”

“Right Jan but we gotta walk ome after mind and that’s a bugger when you’ve ad a skinfull. I tell ee what though, there’s some ansum maid over there, I do reckon she’s bigger than Jeannie.”

“There you go again Sid, talkin bout somethin you can’t eat. How don’t ee give’n a rest and behave yerself for once.”

“Aw … trouble with you Jan is your bleddy borin. You don’t ave no hexcitment since you took up with that Maggie.”

“She’s excitement nough for me Sid, you don’t know er like I do.”

“Maybe I don’t or maybe I do. Anyways, I’ll behave meself, I promise. Now, let’s ave a walk over St Anns and see if I’m still banned there.”

“Aw bleddy ell Sid.”