The Life and Times of Sidney Zacharius Penpraze – The White Winged Chough

A Cornish Dialect series by Tony Mansell

“Tis right nuff Pard, I was attacked an I consider meself lucky to ave escaped with me life: I can still remember his crazed look as ee swooped down. I knew I musn look’n the  eyes otherwise I’d have been glued to the spot, transfixed like. Now, If ee got the time, I could tell ee all bout the evil fiend an is rule of terror but I got an awful dry throat thas just beggin for a drop of lubrication.”

“Well that be mighty civil of ee sir – I’ll ave a pint o Boy’s.”

“Now what we’re not sure of is whether this thing is the ghost of the original bird what’s come back for retribution or if tis a cheeld what’s seekin revenge for his ancestor. Anyways we do call n Brian an he’s the devil hincarnate.”

“What sort you ask, well I’ll tell ee. Tis a White Winged Cornish Chough, the only one you’re ever likely to see…an I ope you don’t. See, they’m usually black an their eyes do stick our like beads. I spose that’s why they do say, ‘He’s got his beady eye on ee.’

Well this one ad white wings an was froshus as ell an bleddy big with it. I tell ee mister, what would ee say if I was ta tell ee that ee flew into a chicken run an killed a dozen hens – that should give ee some idea of what we’re up gainst ere.”

“My good Lord, tis bleddy dry in ere tonight.”

“Well that be mighty civil of ee sir, I’ll ave a pint ov Boys.”

“See now Pard, by the time I got there this old fox was pickin up the pieces but we knowd twas the Chough right enough cos we found one of ‘is feathers stuck in the ground like a callin card.”

“Now to go right back to the start of the story I ought to hexplain that the original Brian was hatched when I was just a boy. Me an Scruffy Trezise used to go up on the viaduct an pinch the eggs but we missed this one, more’s the pity.”

“Funny you should mention that Pard, we thought they wus coastal birds but I s’pose it just goes to show how this bird was different. Anyways, when this little bugger had flown the nest we saw n swoopin an attackin some of the smaller birds around the village. Well we started throw’n things at n, you know, stones an tobs jus to clear n away from they little birds. But ee ad no fear, he’d come straight for us an I do bleve that of all the people around, ee had the biggest hatred for Scruff n me. I used to think I’ll ave that bugger one day but Scruff couldn’t take it no more an ee an is family left the district. Ee must ave been pretty desperate cos ee went to live in Camberne.”

“Bout ten years later I wus in chapel blowin the organ one night when word went up that Brian was circlin overhead. Well the maid who was keepin me company, Fiona she was called, she said you hang on there a minute while I go out an have a look. Well I told er to be careful although I was thinkin more bout er bein spotted by Miss Polmere than the chough. See I wad’n sposed to ave anybody back there especially any girls of the hopposite sex.”

“Excuse me a minute I’ll jus finish this.”

“Well that be mighty civil of ee sir, I’ll ave a pint o Boys.”

“Well Fiona come back in an said twas right nuff, ee was overhead an didn look as though ee was goin nowhere.”

“Just at that moment Miss Polmere poked er head round the corner an said, ‘Now I know why we ran out of wind in the last hymn’.” 

“Fiona shot out the door hopin that Miss Polmere wudn recognise er an I grabbed me red ankerchief up off the floor an blew me nose. Actually it wadn me ankerchief but I was rather opin that Miss Polmere wouldn’t spot what it was.”

“Well now, after chapel everybody got into little groups an started chattin bout what was the best thing to do to avoid bein attacked on the way ome. See they’d seen Brian overin overhead. Now they thought that everyone was in danger but I know’d twas me that little bugger was after.”

“So I built n up a bit an told em that there was only one thing that can save em an that’s by me drawin n away from the chapel long nuff for them to make their hescape. Well I knowed ee was after me anyway but I thought that by offerin to be the hero I might even get Fiona off the hook and Miss Polmere wudn tell er mother.”

“Es, well they did say how brave I was an there was mention of a medal or sumthin but I knowed that once they were safely ome they’d all forgot bout that. Anyways, I crept out of the front door of the chapel an then ran like ell up to the top of the ill. See I was eadin for the pub an once I wus up there twas all downhill an I stood a chance of makin n before e could attack. Trouble was I ad to make sure he’d seen me, otherwise they good hupstandin folk from the chapel, they who were thinkin of givin me a medal, would’n ave seen my brave action.!”

“Another? Well that be mighty civil of ee sir – I’ll ave a pint o Boy’s.”

“Well now, the bugger saw me right nuff an ee came swoopin down for is first attack. But I was lucky an turned away from n just in time. Ee caught the top of me ear, see ere, I still got the mark. Now I was still only half way to the pub so I knowed ee had time for one or maybe two more attacks. I looked up and I could see is beak twitchin but I kept meself from lookin into is eyes. Then I was lucky, just as ee was closin in, a halsation ran by an ee went for that instead. I spose ee thought he’d get me on the way ome.”

“Anyways, I got to the pub, raced inside and slammed the door behind me – my gar I was puffin an blowin like a boar with ten sows. But I was safe, well I thought I was but that was before I took out me red ankerchief to mop me brow – see, Fiona’s mum was the landlady.”

“Now I must’ve been there for two or three hours when I went to the door an looked out an do ee know what, ee was still there. There was nuthin for n, I would ave to spend the night in the pub. Ever since that day me an me mates ave used that escape an whenever we do suspect that Brian is in the area, usually Fridays, Saturdays an Sundays, we do kip down in the bar an do you know what, we aven been attacked from that day to this.”