The Life and Times of Sidney Zacharius Penpraze – Playing A Round

A Cornish Dialect series by Tony Mansell

 “Here Sid, did ee ever av a go at playin that there golf?”

“Ess Jan, I did. I did av a go at n but I gived n up again.

“Sure nuff?

“Ess, I couldn get on with they lot over Perran and part from that, they ad too many rules for my likin.”

“How do ee mean, too many rules?”

“Well no matter what I did, twadn right. I was either walkin in the wrong place or I was standin in the wrong place or I was makin too much noise. An as for what I had to wear, well I tellee Pard, they’m some funny lot they golfers.”

“What bout hittin that little ball, did ee manage that alright?”

“No I bleddy didn, well not at first, but I reckon there was somethin wrong with they there sticks I was usin. Anyways, I tried n for a while an I did get a bit better.”

“Thing is, I was jus thinkin, who the ell invited you to join in the first place. I wouldn ave thought that you knowed anybody over there.”

“Well, that’s as much as you know bout n, Jan Tregaskes. See, I reckon they were a bit short on funds and they were keen on bringin in they with a bit of money.”

“What the ell do ee mean Sid, a bit of money? The way you do git outa buyin a round I shouldn think you was much of a catch,”

“That’s enough of your bleddy cheek, Jan Tregaskes. What I got and what I aven got is none of your business.”

“Huh, same as usual, conned yer way in I spose. I bet they didn’t know what they’d let themselves in for. Ere though, I bet the beer was a bit pricey – more than what Michael da charge.”

“Bleddy right twas, and they didn’t have no slate.”

“Did ee get to play much … out on the course I mean.”

“Ess, Ess, I did, but they do carry on come rain or shine and it do get some bleddy muddy. I tellee wot Boy, I came in one day and I was lampered, stagged I was with mud right up to me ass.”

“Hell Sid, I wouldn’t have thought that suited you – it da sound too much like ard work to me.”

“Ess, well you got carry on whatever the weather and I must ave got better at it cos I won a comptition.”

“Geddon Sid, get that good de ee?”

“Ess I did but when I went up to get me prize they said they had to check a few things afore they could hand over the cup. They reckoned twas pretty unusual for a player in his first competition to ave three oles in one. Bleddy jealousy I do call n, an you know me, I can’t stand cheatin.”

“Bleddy right. I’d ave sued the buggers, I mean, that da sound like slander to me.”

“Ess, well, I did think bout it but I jus cudn be bothered. I just said, ‘Please yer bleddy self, you da naw where you can stick your bleddy cup.”

“I should think so, I bet you resigned there and then.”

“Well … no not zactly, but they knew I wadn best pleased. But see, there was somethin oldin me back.”

“What, you still wanted to be a member?”

“Well no, I’d gone right off the game but I was knockin off the barmaid.”

“Bleddy typical, get anywhere did ee?”

“Well less just say I wadn payin full price for me drinks an er special offers were too good to miss.”

“How bout the cap’n, meet n did ee?”

“Ess, I played a round with ee. Ee wodn a bad old bugger – till we fell out.”

“Hah, dudn sound like you. How bout his misses, meet er did he?”

“Ess, Ess, well she wos the problem, I played round with er as well!”