The Life and Times of Sidney Zacharius Penpraze – The Valentine Card

A Cornish Dialect series by Tony Mansell

It was noon on the 14^th February 1939 and our two heroes were ensconced in the pub. The significance of the date was not lost to them as they savoured their first beer of the day. Well, the first since two o’clock that morning.

Jan had been happily married for almost a year. Well, not exactly married in the legal sense but enjoying his apprenticeship. Sid had been chiding him for spoiling his misses by taking her breakfast in bed. He’d also forked out for a card and a big bunch of flowers. Sid, of course, had no such ties but was never lacking in food or favours despite the complete lack of such gestures. The reason for his success was a mystery and it was feared that unless he trained somebody up, his secret would go with him to his grave.

“Did ee get any cards, Sid?”

“I cain’t be bothered with that sort of thing Jan, I do leave that to the kids an they with cotton wool tween their ears.”

“In other words you did’n get one.”

“Well that’s for me to know an you to wonder bout.”

“Ere Sid, I do ear that Mike’s misses ad one and ee idn too pleased cos ee did’n send n. Proper teasy ee is.”

“Then tis our job to cheer n up…I’ll get’n in conversation – bit diplermatic like. Ere, I’ll ave a go … Mike yer beer’s cloudy.”

“Funny how you notice when you’ve nearly finished, give it here an I’ll put a half in there.”  

“A half, Michael. Twas cloudier than that. Now what was I hearin bout the postman callin today?”

“I knew it wouldn’t be long before you started on that Sid Penpraze, well you just watch yourself or you’ll be out on your ear again.”

“Now commus on Michael, I was jus goin c’mmiserate with ee.”

“Well you can go an commiserate somewhere else, I’m not in the mood for your nonsense.”

“Ave ee got any idea who might have sent n? I mean the blind ome idn too far away. I tellee what though, tis nice ta ave a wife that’s preciated even if tis by some stranger. Now I da know bout these things an if I can be of any help you only got say. Ave ee noticed anybody sniffin round lately?”

“Only you, you old bugger.”

“No, no, tid’n me. See, I’ve never laid ands on er.”

“You have. I’ve seen you myself, you can’t keep your hands off her tits.”

“Well tis er best feature Michael. Come to think of n, tis er only feature.”

“Your sailin some close to the wind Sid Penpraze, I should stop windin Michael up if I was you.”

“Tis alright, Jan, I’m just tryin to elp. See, tis a bit like pleece work, you gotta hexamine the clues carefully and then form yer hopinion. See, when I was elpin out Sally Beswetherick I knowed twould only be a while afore er usband would find out.”

“Ow did ee know that then?”

“Cos I told n.”

“What the ell did ee do that for?”

“Conscience Jan, me conscience wouldn’t allow me to deceive that young man any longer and I up n confessed.”

“Bleddy ell Sid, I never knew you ad one o they. Ere ang on a minute, wodn that when you ad two of em on the go and they both found out bout tother?”

“Could be Jan, see twas a long time ago an I’ve passed a lot of water since then. I’ll ave two pints ere Michael, when ee got a minute.”

“What the hell do you mean, when I got a minute, there’s only the three of us here.”

 “Anyway Michael, whataree goin do, I mean to say if Jeannie av been passin out favours to evryone you got do somethin bout n.”

“Hang on a minute Sid Penpraze, twas only a valentine card. Don’t ee go starting any rumours.”

“Well, you know what they do say.”

“What do they say?”

“Well most of the time they da say tis time Jan Tregaskes ere bought a pint and this be one of they times. Ave one yerself Michael.”

“Now, did I ever tell you two that I’m introducing a new slate system for those who never seem to remember to bring any money?”

“Ow do that work then?”

“Well, I get you to sign this little book, that way there won’t be any arguments about how much you’ve had. Here you are Sid, you can sign for your first round.” 

“Bit legal idna Michael, tis like you don trust us.”

“No, tidn that, it’ll stop you accusing me of altering the number of drinks you’ve had. Now I suppose you can write.”

“Well that’s bleddy nice, course I can write…there I’ve putn down to Jan cos ee da owe me one. Now what are ee doin Michael?”

“I’m doing some of that police work you were on about. I’m comparing your signature with the writing on Jeannie’s card and you know what Sid Penpraze? You’re barred!”