When Bengy an’ Cissie went out fer a male
By Brian Stevens
Porthmeor Beach, St Ives
Ded I hever tell ’ee tha time that Cissie an er Bengy went out fer a slap up feed? I never, well yu must be tha only wans whu don knaw about en, so I best tell ’ee.
Twas goin ta be ther 60th weddin hannavarsary, an tha deer cheldern sided ta put ther hands en ther pockets, an raise nuff money fer Mawthar an Fearthar ta go out fer tha farst time en thar lives fer a maile. Cissie an Bengy ’ad all tha cheldern and cheldern’s cheldern, during tha daay uf tha hannavarsary, an never nawed about en til tha next morn’en, cause tha envolup, weth tha programme, wus put undar tha special caake that tha maids ’ad made fer them. It was Cissie whu found en, an when she hopened en, an started ta ’ave a reed uf en, well she nearly’ad a clam. Fearther thought tha worst that it ’ad cumed frum ther landlord, fer ’ee ’nawed what wus ’appening tu tha housen association flats out tu where tha gas works use tu be.
“Comest on Mawther, tell us tha wus it about, fer are us goin ta be hailed an dragged up ta tha ’ills, or es a worse than that?”
Poor Cissie ’ad er smillin salts ’andy, an rallied enuff ta saay ta er Bengy,
“Es ais, fer theese art goin ta ’ave ta whear yur best garnsey frock, serg suit an tidy boots on a weak daa.”
Brian’s Garnsey Frock
“What theese main whuman, I’ve a never wore my best rig uf tha da only hever on the blessed Lord’s Daay, an now theese es a sayin that I’m ta were en on a week daay? Mawther, cudden be bad nuff news, now set down fitty like an lets a ’ere what tha insides uf that thar henferlop es got ta say fer es self”.
Cissie sat down in tha cheer nearest tha winda, an puten ’er speticals on started ta reed.
“Deer Mawthar an Fearthar.
We yur cheldern ’ave seen about tha two uf ‘ee ta ave a maile tha likes uf which you ’ave never ’ad afore in all yer sexty yers togethar. Tha place ’av sent their credentials an I think ef yu da reed en through two or three times, yu will about git tha jist of en. We yur cheldern do ope ’an praay that yu will ’ave a maile weth plenty uf traide ta go weth en.
Ate all yu can fer we are all payen fer en. Tha Cheldern”
Bengy rubbed hes ’ands weth delight, an sed ta Cissie,
“Mawthar, dun ‘ee tell me wear ais, fer I da ’naw. They sed down tha Lodge, that ’ee that ’ave took hover tha Fish an Chip aiten shop ’ave got a bra good trade, fur ’ee ’ave gone back ta our cortin daay times, weth ’ansome Ray eye balls fried weth batter, fritters an mushy pays, an two mawsels uf bread an a dish uf tay thrawed en weth the price. An I wus towld es charges are very raysomble.”
“No Fearther, end’t there” sed Cissie “I’ll reed an tell ‘ee all the plod, now stop ’ee prancen up an down like a mazed man, set down, hush thy tunge, an lesen ef theese can”. Cissie cleared er throt an started ta reed,
“Carrack Dhue Otel, situated en a site uf hextra special sientific interest en what wus a former Quarry. Commanden vuws frum Clodgy en tha west, ta
tha ’interland en tha east, an dominaated by Carn Bra ’ill. Tha hestablishment affords fifty bedrooms weth ensweet facilities, plus too swemming pools, sauna, an sports facilities. Thes es phaze wan uf a £43,000,000 project finaced by local empertures, an will, wen completed, consist uf a series uf blocks uf apartments, fower stories hi, each appartment weth a balcony an luxzury fitted interrea weth every mode uf comfort.
Thaese apartments will number a ’undered when completed, an run en line weth a certain road behind, out tu tha Putting Green. A flyhover road, en green concrete, fur enviomental raysons, wel convey all traffic, at farst floor level uf tha properties lining tha afore mentioned road, tu a roundabout at tha base uf Porthmeor ’ill.
Wethin tha Carrack Dhue Otel complex, ther es also a hi class resurunt that caaters fur all taste buds. Chefs frum fower continents, well ensure that all nasinalties exoctic food cravings, well be available twentyfower ’ours a daay. Tha resurant es appropiatly naamed ‘Tha Quarry’ an et es tha managements desire, that ets clientell, well after a maile, be well ballasted when they laave their tables. Prior bookings are a must as demand fur tables es extremely hi. We ope ta see yu en tha foreseeable fewtur an ta share weth yu tha quinseen that only such han hestablishen as thes can provide.”
Cissie then got up an put tha kittle on an sed ta Bengy,
“While I draw breath well ’ave a dish of tay, an then if theese mine too, I’ll try an finish reeeden uf en”.
“Why” sed Bengy, “moore ta cum es a?”
“Es Fearther, reams uf en, all about tha mate an traide that they are ’open theese an me will be ’aven”.
Bengy sat back en es cheer an never sed a word til he’d slurped down tha laist uf hes tay, then hes words uf wisdom began.
“Mawther, I ben heer a thinken, ef that there party are goin ta build frum Man’s ’ed tu tha Putting Green to the bottom of Porthmeor Hill, ets a bra good job no body en tha row uf ’ouses behind don’t use theer front rooms. Fer I ben towld, that they do all live en tha back rooms an only use tha front rooms fer Chrestmas, when theer all lookin at tha tree an lights, or when therse a death en tha ouse, then tha box es en theer weth drawed curtains, so really they abn seed tha vuw frum there since they ben built.”
By this time Cissie ’ad ’cided ta fold up tha litretur, an towld Bengy that as tha cheldern wus payen, they’ed gost on out ther that evenen as arranged on tha letter.
“Now Fearther, I’ve goten yu all rigged off, so what dust a think I shud whear?” Bengy thot fer a minet or tu an then sed,
“How about that there frock I ’member yu wher’en tu tha eldest maids weden?”
“I dun ’naw Fearthar, people might also ’member en, an think im a werein tha same frock night an day”.
“Well Mawther”, sed Bengy, “I ’naw Sent Hives people got long memries, but tha maid ben married thirty zeben year, so I shud think ets save nuff ta risk en.”
So six o’clock that evenen, Cissie an Bengy, weth a walken stick each, left there ’ome down tha rows, an headed westward on a ’ansome June eebnen.
Just fur zeben o‘clock they got out ta Mans ’ed, an then hentered tha ‘Carrack Dhu Otel’. As they walked down tha main ’allwaa Bengy sed that tha place seemed tu be as big as tha ‘Western Cellars’, an wondered ’ow many cart loads would ’ave ta ’ave ben pulled out ta Mans ’ed tu ’av built such a geet builden.
“I recon” sed Bengy, “that ben more pulled out ta er than what was pulled out uf tha Quarry yers agon, ’owsumever ets lookin ’ansome, only I wish they never ’ad so many geet long mirrors, fer all I can see es we two traipsen along. Ah ’er we be, ‘The Quarry Restrant’, now comest on Mawthar, en we gose an see what traide they got ta feed we weth”.
“Bra geet plaace en a Fearther,” sed Cissie, as she an Bengy entered tha resterunt,
“I towld ‘ee wus a bigen, an I think I can see our table over there in tha loo by tha winda, ais, es ours sure enuff, fur theere’s a docket ther that says ‘Welcum ta Mester an Messes Bengenem Quick Retchards Polmeer’, so ’ere we Mawther, set tha starn uf ’ee down an we’l see what da cum along ta aite”.
Waden long fur a man dressed up like a pengwen cum an sed, “Can I take yur order sur and madam?” {with a foreign accent}
“Edn that rich en Fearthar” says Cissie, “ta be called sur an madam. Now ma sun, can ‘ee tell us what might tempt our happytites”.
Then thes man, whu sed ‘ee wus tha whaiter, started ta talk en a foren tung, an Bengy luked at Cissie an Cissie luked at Bengy all mazed like.
“Can ’ee spaake ta us en tha Queen’s own hinglesh an tell us both what that tha worded card da saay fur we abm hundersood wan word uf en,” sed Bengy,
“Sur, tha menu es befor yu an yu can a tel a me what yu da a want”.
Weth that Cissie picked en up agen an read en through three or fower times, an then sed ta Bengy, “Caint make ’ead nor tail uf en, so I think my dear”, sed Cissie, looken strait en tha whaiters eyes, “theese best bring ulong what yu da think well maake a good hapertising maile fur we tu.”
“Es” says Bengy, “an we don what no tomals either”.
“Tommales?” replied tha whaiter, “Tommales? Please hexcuse”, an weth that ’ee wus gone like Dick Daniel’s wiskers. Wadn long fur ’ee wus back,
“Aise there henny theng else sur an madam wood like?”
“No, long as ets a nice bit uf scran,” sed Cissie.
“Scran,” sed the whaiter, “Scran, please hexcuse”, an weth that ‘ee wus gone agen.
Back ’ee cumed,
“An what else can the hestableshment provide sur an madam?”
“Well,” sed Bengy “We don whant no et up, fur we ’ad that yesterda an as fer raw fry, we got that fur tomorra.”
“Het hup, raw fry? Please hexcuse” an off ’ee bolted agen. After a while ’ee wus back an sed that ‘they wud be a haveeing or not a haveening what they da a want, an that a fow er chefs wus a worken like tha clappers tu fit tha meal.”
Wel after about quarter an ’our laater, out cumed tha whaiter weth two plates piled high weth traide that smilt rich, an ’ee sed that ef t’was too much ta ait won time, we cud ’ave a doggie bag,
“Endn no gud ta we ma sun,” sed Bengy “fer all we agot es a cat, an that da ait nothen but boweled raay bodies.”
Well a wadn long fur Cissie an Bengy wus aten away ta tha plate full uf traide an Cissie ’ad ta say ta Bengy, “Howld on Fearthar, fur theese es aited away like as ef theese is shovelen out a call boat.”
“Mawther, I don knoaw what we be a aited, but all I da knaw es that its brame rich.”
When tha plates were empty tha waiter cumed an tooked them awaa, an then brought two dishes, agen piled high, an covered in hice crame an custard, or that’s what Cissie sed a t’was. Ta top en all, they ended hup weth a cup no bigger than a hegg cup, weth what Bengy thought wus tay like bark, but when Cissie tasted en, sed a wus mor like malleows. By thes time both uf them wus as full as en hegg, an sed they ’ad ’ad a nuff, an wood be traipsen hoff ome. Bengy though left Cissie at tha tabel an wus a bra owld time fur ’ee wus back.
When ’ee cumbed, Cissies sed to en “Where ’ee ben sa long en Fearthar?”
“I ’ave ‘ad a bra time uf en Mawther” sed Bengy, “fur I hasked that theer whaiter where can I go fur a pump shep, an ’ee whent hoff like afore, like a scalded cat, and cumbed back an sed try hover by tha bar.”
“What ded ’u saa tu en Fearther?”
“Why, I towld en, tha way I am, It’il taake me all my time ta racht tha bottom water closets theer ta Will ill, let long tryen ta maake fur ’ayle Bar.”
“Now comest on Fearther,” sed Cissie, “maake hast, fur we must be jailen there soon as we can, fur they da close nine o’clock, an tha wans up ta Barnoon, they ednt ever opened, so here we now, bare a hand.”
Next mornen tha cheldern, won by won, cumb ta see theer Mawthar an Fearthar, ta naw tha news how they ’ad maade out tha nite afore. Cissie ’ad brought tha menue home long weth her, an showed them proud like, what tha whaiter sed they ’ad ’ad. Tha cheldern never maade much uf en, but when they seed won anuther laatar on, they all sed that they never nawed afore, that Mawther an Fearthar, ad a liken tu – Conger baked en brandy weth battered Pumkin, an Morgey stewed in olive oil, weth kingsize snails, folled by cucumber, lemon an garlik, weth salled creame an goats cheese, an hending up weth, bralen sting nettel tay. Howsumhever, it wus like tha deer cheldern sed in tha letter, ‘a maile tha likes yu never ’ad in all yur sexty yers togethar’.
© Brian Stevens June 2003
GLOSSARY
|
clam |
– |
To faint |
|
ta tha’ i’lls |
– |
Where the Council Houses are |
|
maile |
– |
Meal |
|
traide |
– |
Food |
|
fritters |
– |
Slices of potato fried in batter |
|
mawsels |
– |
Slices of bread |
|
dish-of-tay |
– |
Cup of tea |
|
prancen |
– |
Pacing up and down |
|
mazed |
– |
Confused |
|
tommals |
– |
More than enough |
|
scran |
– |
Something tasty |
|
et up |
– |
Using up leftovers from a former meal |
|
raw fry |
– |
Potatoes, turnip and onion finely sliced with some water with fried bacon on top |
|
malleows |
– |
Marinated pilchards |
|
traipsed |
– |
Walked with a spring to your steps |
|
pump shep |
– |
Natures call |
|
bar |
– |
Wine bar |
|
bottom ones |
– |
Toilet bottom to ‘will’ (Well / Porthmeor) hill |
|
jailen |
– |
Walking fast |
|
bralen |
– |
Burthallen |
Footnote
You might be wondering how this story came about. Most dialect stories have an instance that such stories are embroidered around. For example: this one was by what was happening in the town of St. Ives at that time of 2003. The block of Council Flats opposite the Beach café there by the Tate, was reported as facing demolition and its occupants being housed further up to the hills. This was to add more space for enlarging the Tate. Also, a report mentioned a proposal to build a hotel in the former Carrack Dhu Quarry. Neither of these two reached fruition. Then a shock wave went through the town with news that certain Toilets were closing for good, with the remaining ones closing at 9 pm, hence the true instances that are contained in this little story.
Brian Stevens
Brian, together with his wife Margaret, have been a major part of the St Ives Heritage scene for many years playing a very active role in the St Ives Museum and the town’s Old Cornwall Society. Brian was the Dialect Recorder for the Old Cornwall Federation and played a big part in persuading others to research and record Cornish dialect.
